sometimes, the mind can be self destructive
you got $$$$$?
i have this problem whenever i make music.
every time i make something i always compare it to something like oh man that sounds like this or man this is a complete rip of something else and it holds me back from putting out stuff cause i don’t want to be seen as a wanna-be.
i just need to realize i just need to put out shit and let shit happen. i’m not looking to be famous i’m not looking to be the next big culture, i just want to relate to the unrelatable.
i used to admire you everyday,you used to push me to do the things i love as long as i get my education, you used to love life and laugh at everything. i used to want to be you, and part of me still does.
ever since mom died, you seem to just shelter yourself away from everyone, from anything that reminds you of mom. and i hate it because i’m a straight copy of what mom looks like. you can’t even look me in the face for more than a minute. its like your body is nothing but an empty coffin.
you promised mom you’d help me and i promised mom to take care of you. it’s hard to play my part since i’m all the way in austin and you have that god forsaken disease that makes you insecure about everything. nikki and brandon are fed up with you already, sometimes im disgusted with what they say about you. and i’m the only one that stands up for you in this family.
i know you built your kingdom around mom, but you should have known that when you started a family there is no time to be selfish. even when mom isn’t around. it’s easier said than done, lord only knows what you’re going through. you’ve seen everything from the beginning, i was just there to help give moms hand to death. and that alone was traumatizing enough already. i just want you to know that you’re never alone. i’m still gonna be that kid that used to watch you work cause it was fucking cool to see someone work so hard for something that might not even happen.
i’m waiting for you take back this throne for this family, i don’t think i can wear your heavy crown, cause for me, it isn’t my crown to wear in the first place. i want to make forge my own crown with the tools you gave me. i guess its time to start…………….
your loving son who is afraid to give you the truth since the truth has destroyed our family,
i gaze into your eyes.
and see nothing but eternity.
it’s where my mother is.
it’s where i want to be.
i remember the summer my mom died all i’d do is watch there will be blood every night. there’s something with the main character i connect with, it’s not his hustler mentality, i think it’s the fact that no matter what bullshit he goes through he’s still a ruthless bastard. i guess i can relate to that, or maybe it’s someone who i want to be.
you have been my roommate in my brain ever since my mother passed away from breast cancer.
i think i’m kinda starting to get used to you but, there’s some things i have on my mind.
you have taught me to be so cut throat when i want to be loving.
you have showed me that peoples affections can lead to expectations which in turn leads to disappointment.
you’ve forced me into loving the phoniest of friends and to turn my back on the people who actually love me.
you have brain washed me to believe that holding onto old friendships can lead me to freedom from your torment but in reality, your advice is simply feeding your cruel hunger.
you have scared me away from new lovers and drawn me into self hatred.
you have turned my ambitions into dreaded misery.
you have led me to depend on one single persons attention for happiness when that person doesn’t even give two shits about you.
you’ve turned my father into my mortal enemy.
you have led me to believe that sleeping all fucking day is good for you.
and this is the thing i hate the most,
you always play the films of my mothers last days over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. why are you tormenting me? why? why? why? why? why?
I’m already insecure enough already, why must you fuel it?
I’m already hot headed, why must you fuel it?
some days i’d forget about you, but then you come back with vengeance like i killed your mother or some shit.
I’ve come up with a couple of solutions for your eviction. but some of those solutions are extremely selfish.
i guess i just have to live with you,
maybe you’ll find a group of friends to be caught up with so you can just fade away.